Comparisons & Expectations

Stop.

I have an older brother by 2 years who happens to be the school’s science and engineering prodigy. Of course, he takes the engineering class, and by chance, I ended up taking it as well. Not because of my brother, but because I genuinely wanted to.

Emphasis on the past tense of “wanted”.

At the beginning of the school year, my engineering teachers didn’t care: they saw me as another student and that was it. No special treatment, no comments, nothing. And while I was surprised, I was so fucking glad.

But then something changed. I don’t know what did: was it after the first parents’ evening? Was it because I got a good score on my first test? I don’t know, but in any case, the comparisons started. Slowly and barely at first, but today it was pretty clear.

The teacher was handing us back our tests from before the Christmas holidays. I had looked online to see my score (12,75/20) and honestly, I was really happy with it. I still am. I’m shit at electrical stuff, so the fact that I’d gotten over 10 was amazing.

On the tests, the teacher had put comments for the students. The majority of them were along the lines of “Keep up the good work.” “You can do better!” “Good  job.” Positive comments, basically. And most of these were for people who had scores lower than mine.

What did I get?

“Acceptable.”

Fuck off.

I’m not my fucking brother. I never will be. Stop hoping that I will be, because I won’t.

What’s more, I had gotten 10/20 on my previous electricity test, so I had improved by over 2 points which is a decent fucking amount.

When they asked me what I wanted to choose between engineering and biology, I chose the first choice because biology bored me. It wasn’t hard, in fact quite the opposite (I had about 18/20 average), but it was just so boring, so I took engineering. I had never done engineering before, so I didn’t even know if I was going to be good at it, but at least it would get me to concentrate.

I’m slowly starting to regret it.

If I hadn’t made so many awesome friends in this class, I would entirely regret it.

I just need to wait another year and a half, then I can leave this school and go to a university where no one knows of my brother’s existence and I can live my own fucking life with my own reputation.

Thanks for reading ♥

Last day of freedom

I go back to school tomorrow, and I am not looking forward to it at all. Then again, who would? You’ve been able to sit and relax and watch countless anime series at home for two weeks, who would be happy about having all that stopped?

That reminds me, I need to continue watching Kokoro Connect.

The lessons themselves don’t bother me that much. Although, sport could be better; we’re supposed to be doing swimming but the pool is closed tomorrow for cleaning which means we’ll probably be doing gym instead. If I had swimming tomorrow I’d actually be, dare I say it, looking forward to school (I’m a swimming nerd), but gym and any other land-based physical activity are horrible. To me, anyway. So the fact that swimming is being replaced by one of those activities makes me so happy wow 

The fact that I have two hours of French with genderbent Satan is pretty shit too. Fortunately she’s just the substitute for our actual prof who should be coming back in about two weeks *hallelujah*

Apart from those two things, the lessons I have tomorrow aren’t what’s bothering me. It’s the people. Whether it be the other students or the profs, I just don’t like being around people. I literally only have like 6 or 7 irl friends, only two of which I hang out with, none of which I hang out with at all times because we have different classes.

I’m like the child of Haruka Nanase and Tomoko Kuroki. That’s not a good thing xD

Idk if anyone is ever going to read this and I honestly don’t mind, I just need somewhere I can talk without fear of stuttering or mispronouncing something or forgetting a word (all of which happen often. This shows just how little I talk irl xD)

Thank you for putting up with my rant until the end ^-^ ❤️