“ALIVE” 31/01/17

Despite my plans for this new year of life,
I seem to be losing all interest:
The possible paths are causing me strife,
When really, all I want to do is rest;
I feel like the world expects so much of
me, whether it be teachers or my friends,
Because even if they give me their love,
If I follow them, my freedom might end;
This is because I don’t know what to do,
I don’t know where to go, what job to take,
I don’t know if someone will love me too,
Whatever I do, it’s my choice to make;
I’m sorry, but honestly? I don’t care;
I just want to keep living, to be fair.

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New Year

Holy shit. It’s been a while.

I feel like I’ve neglected this blog far too much. I originally made it not for others but for myself, in order to get things off my chest whenever I needed to; whether it be serious, sad, or just random shit I wanted to talk about.

In the end, I kind of forgot that. Instead, I cared more about writing what others would want to hear, I would censor myself (whether it be vulgar words or depressing thoughts), etc.

So this year, this blog is going to turn back into what it was supposed to be: just somewhere I can complain about shit.

I’m hoping that I won’t have to write on here very often, because if I do, it means a lot of shit is happening and that’s the opposite of what I want x)

You might be wondering, “What’s the point in writing something online, posting it for others to see but basically just addressing yourself?” and idk, to be honest. Maybe there’s someone feeling as shitty as me who wants someone to relate to.

So yeah. I’m back. Oh boy. xD

Thanks for reading ♥

Getting Everything Together

Hey guys! My last post was kinda short and boring, so here’s one that’s probably gonna be longer for ya :3

If you’ve been keeping track of my posts for a while now, you’ll know that I’m not always in a calm or happy state of mind. In fact, I’m rarely in a calm or fully happy state of mind xD The main reason for this is, of course, school and people and obligations and deadlines and all of that bullcrap.

I’m now a full month into my summer holidays, and I’m only just starting to calm down. For the past four weeks I’ve been waking up and worrying about things I need to get done, beating myself up because I keep procrastinating my goals or reading books our teacher gave us to read during these holidays (mean -_-), and my brain is only just starting to unwind and get everything in order.

I tend to look at things I need to get done as a whole, meaning I’ll see the long list of things I want to do or have to do and I’ll think “That’s too much. I can’t.”, which then leads to more procrastination, more beating myself up, feeling stressed and overwhelmed triggering more procrastination, and so on and so on.

One big thing I was worrying about throughout the past month was the fact that we were given three books to read during the summer holidays, and I HATE reading school books. Plus, they’re pretty long (the longest being nearly 300 pages T_T) and the first one I started reading is SO BADLY WRITTEN (not even kidding when I say that several paragraphs, each lasting an entire page, are just one sentence long with a disgusting amount of commas. I’m not an author or anything but I am writing a book right now and I was literally scared that after finishing the book I would start writing like that >_<). The teacher that gave these books to us often scold us for making our sentences so long, yet she’s perfectly fine with that crap -_- INJUSTICE.

I knew that trying to read too much of it at once would grill my neurons so I decided to cut it up into sections: once a day I would read 30 pages, and seen as the book is 150 pages long, it would only take me 5 days to finish it 😀 I’m already 2 days in and I feel a lot better now that I’m finally doing something xD

But that’s not the only thing I’ve finally started doing: for ages now I’ve wanted to get in shape, by which I mean get dat sick sixpack yo, and I’ve started working out a little every morning :3 I used to do this a while ago, but I kinda forgot one day and then never started again… xD

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: in August of last year I decided to animate something for one of my favourite YouTubers (Octopimp), and he said he was thrilled to hear about it 😀 buuuuut I had a really shit laptop at the time and it made me not wanna do it because everything kept crashing… but now I have a new computer and I’ve decided to do at least 1 scene a day ^^ it might not be much, but it’s something XD

In summary: I’ve finally started getting everything together, and as a whole, I feel a lot better than I did at the start of the holidays.

Note to self: do one task at a time rather than look at the full list all the damn time.

Thanks for reading! ♥

Summer Goals

I mentioned in my last post that I had so many things I wanted to do during my summer holidays, so I’d thought I’d list a few of them here to give myself some more motivation ☺️

(in no particular order)

  • Practice electric guitar
  • Prepare for engineering next year
  • Draw
  • Continue writing my book
  • Paint
  • Jog regularly
  • Work out regularly
  • Swim regularly
  • Study Japanese/Swedish
  • Make a couple more YouTube videos
  • Stargaze

A few of them are pretty vague, and that’s because they’re just general ideas of stuff I want to do while summer is here ^^

Thx for reading! ❤️

One More Week.

Once again, it’s been a while since my last post. And once again, that’s a good thing 😂

For the first time in a long time, I’ve been able to relax on a weekend. Usually I always have some exercise to do or some test to study for, but this time I only had some physics to do and that was it. Part of me is kinda scared because I’m thinking “Surely I’ve just forgotten something? Have I forgotten to write something down? A weekend can’t be this chill.”

The reason why I don’t have a test to study for or anything like that is simply because the summer holidays are in one week 😍

You have no idea how happy and just relieved I am to be able to say that.

I want to write. I want to run. I want to swim. I want to practice the electric guitar. I want to read a book my English teacher lent me. I want to stay up all night with my telescope. But I can’t, because I’m so tired all of the time.

But in one week, I’ll be able to do all of that in my own time and not have to worry about lessons or homework for two and a half months (even if our French teacher gave us three books to read during the holidays which is kinda bullshit).

I’ll be able to watch anime and read fanfiction for hours on end with no regrets…

…wait I do that anyway

There are so many things I want to do during the next two and a half months. I might make a separate post with my summer goals ^-^

Thx for reading! ❤️

PS: I went to my very first concert Friday night! It was of The GazettE, one of my favourite bands :3 my neck still hurts from headbanging… 😂 It was an early birthday present, which is this Wednesday ☺️

Welp

It’s been a full week (minus one morning) since I last went to school because of my fever, so tomorrow will be the first time in a week that I go. Needless to say that I’m pretty nervous.

You guys all know by now that I’m not the most talkative or social person around. For seven days my parents and my brother have been the only human beings I’ve seen, and I’ve only spoken to five other people via text (not even via call or anything, just via text), so being surrounded by this many people in one go in definitely going to be a bit of a shock to my brain.

I also missed a week’s worth of lessons including a pretty complicated chemistry one… and we have an exam on it on Thursday. I’m gonna need to work my butt off to understand what the hell the teacher was explaining while I wasn’t there.

I’m worried that people are gonna accuse me of faking it just to skip a week of work, too. I really shouldn’t be, but I am. If anything, I’m one of the most hardworking people in my class xD I can’t skip a single day without being stabbed by guilt and rushing in the next day full of apologies, so a full week killed me internally. (not that I particularly missed the social part of it)

Part of me is just kinda hoping that people will think I have the plague or something and not ask me too many questions, it might get awkward ^^’

Wish me luck for tomorrow ❤️

I’m happy.

I worry a lot about things that don’t need to be worried about. I’ll be studying for a test and I’ll be almost in tears over the fact that I can’t get everything in my head and my dad will walk in and say “This is what happens every time, you worry about this stuff and in the end it all turns out alright.”

And every time, he’s completely right.

If you read my previous post you’ll know that I was EXTREMELY nervous about going back to school after two weeks off. It was going to be my first face-to-face social interaction in fourteen days, swimming had been replaced by something else and I didn’t know what sport was going to replace it at the time (I love swimming, by the way) and I had a big biology test on two chapters of the lesson.

So you can understand why I was stressed.

But yeah, it turns out that everything WAS alright. No awkward social interaction was engaged, swimming had been replaced with badminton (and I was teamed with a rather cute funny guy, so that was nice) and I managed to answer every question on the test. The quality of said answers, however, is another matter XD

That was Monday. And at the end of the day I thought “Ok, that was a stroke of luck. Tomorrow is when the shit’s gonna start.”

Right now it’s Tuesday evening, and in all honesty, today was rather relaxing too. I only had four hours of lessons (unfortunately they were spread out across the day so I could only leave an hour early -_- better than none, I guess) and for three full hours I had absolutely nothing, so me and my fellow nerds (that makes it sound like I’m part of a friend group. Nah, there’s only 3 of us. Well, I suppose that’s a group, by definition) went and sat on the nearby football stadium chairs, talked about gay OTPs and listened to music. Pretty sure we weren’t allowed to go up on the stadium chairs, but it was raining and the chairs were sheltered soooo…. XD 

But I think the highlight of today was getting back in touch with an old friend that I missed a lot, and I thought our friendship had ended a while ago. And I’m only two days into the week, but I already know that nothing will be able to top that. No contest.

This is no actual point to this post, by the way XD I just felt like sharing the fact that for the first time in a while, I can completely say without a shadow of a doubt that I’m happy. I mean, I’ve been happy before, I’m generally a happy person, but often there would be a lingering bad feeling at the back of my mind. For once, I don’t feel anything bad creeping up on me. Well, either I don’t or I do but it’s smaller than usual XD 

So yeah. I’m happy.

Thank you for putting up with my rambling until the end ^^ ❤️