Comparisons & Expectations

Stop.

I have an older brother by 2 years who happens to be the school’s science and engineering prodigy. Of course, he takes the engineering class, and by chance, I ended up taking it as well. Not because of my brother, but because I genuinely wanted to.

Emphasis on the past tense of “wanted”.

At the beginning of the school year, my engineering teachers didn’t care: they saw me as another student and that was it. No special treatment, no comments, nothing. And while I was surprised, I was so fucking glad.

But then something changed. I don’t know what did: was it after the first parents’ evening? Was it because I got a good score on my first test? I don’t know, but in any case, the comparisons started. Slowly and barely at first, but today it was pretty clear.

The teacher was handing us back our tests from before the Christmas holidays. I had looked online to see my score (12,75/20) and honestly, I was really happy with it. I still am. I’m shit at electrical stuff, so the fact that I’d gotten over 10 was amazing.

On the tests, the teacher had put comments for the students. The majority of them were along the lines of “Keep up the good work.” “You can do better!” “Good  job.” Positive comments, basically. And most of these were for people who had scores lower than mine.

What did I get?

“Acceptable.”

Fuck off.

I’m not my fucking brother. I never will be. Stop hoping that I will be, because I won’t.

What’s more, I had gotten 10/20 on my previous electricity test, so I had improved by over 2 points which is a decent fucking amount.

When they asked me what I wanted to choose between engineering and biology, I chose the first choice because biology bored me. It wasn’t hard, in fact quite the opposite (I had about 18/20 average), but it was just so boring, so I took engineering. I had never done engineering before, so I didn’t even know if I was going to be good at it, but at least it would get me to concentrate.

I’m slowly starting to regret it.

If I hadn’t made so many awesome friends in this class, I would entirely regret it.

I just need to wait another year and a half, then I can leave this school and go to a university where no one knows of my brother’s existence and I can live my own fucking life with my own reputation.

Thanks for reading ♥

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