I think it’s been about a month since my last post on this blog. This is actually a good thing, it means I’ve had nothing to rant about xD
But a few days ago I broke down in tears because of – you can probably guess – being in public. I wanted to write about it at the time, but I couldn’t bring myself to, so here it is now ^^
There were two incidents that day, the second not exactly being about speaking but still it hurt me deeply, particularly because of who caused it.
That morning I had a physics lesson, normal. The teacher wrote down formulas that we had to complete on the board, some easy and some pretty hard. She wrote down the same number of formulas as there were students so that EVERYONE had to go to the board. I realised this so I thought “Better go quickly and get an easy one before they’re all taken, that way I can just get it over with quickly”. So that’s what I did.
The formula was simple, I knew how to fill it out, and at first it was going well. But as I reached the second thing that I had to write, my brain froze. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t concentrate. I knew what the answer was but I wrote it the wrong way around because I couldn’t function anymore.
The teacher asked me to explain what I had written, so I explained what I should have written, which was correct. She then told me “But that’s not what you wrote.” I quickly realised my mistake. It was easy to fix: swap the two numbers I had mixed up. But again, I froze. I didn’t know how. Fortunately a nice guy in my class saw that I was in trouble and told me I just had to switch them, so I thanked him and did.
I quickly rushed back to my seat because I could feel the tears welling up. I hadn’t even needed to speak more than a few sentences, but just being exposed to barely 20 people sent me haywire. My body physically couldn’t handle it.
But that’s not what truly upset me. I was shaken and closed up, but not upset. That’s where the second incident comes in.
It was the very last lesson of the day with a teacher whom everyone loves, including me, because she’s kind and laid-back. She was telling us about how people naturally feel the urge to laugh when seeing someone fall over, even if you feel guilty afterwards.
In my class, I have a reputation as someone who is very quiet, serious and hardworking but still kind, which is a reputation I’m content with. But I feel like I’m severely misunderstood as a person, because in reality I’m not like that at all. In fact, with people I’m close with or on tumblr I’m the least serious person you could ever meet XD
The teacher then asked me specifically “how about you, Anna, do you laugh when someone falls over?”
At first I thought it was just at random, or perhaps because I’m shy she wanted to hear me talk, even for a second. Because I wasn’t expecting her to ask me this, I simply replied “Sometimes.”
We then moved on to the next topic.
But it took me a second to realise the meaning of her question. She had previously said that people felt like laughing when seeing someone fall over, that it was normal. She had insinuated that everyone acted this way.
So if she already knew that everyone acted this way, why ask me?
Because I’m not “everyone”.
I don’t laugh.
I don’t talk.
I can’t talk.
She wanted to know if I’m actually capable of being a fucking human being. The fact that she was supposed to be the nice teacher made it worse.
Thank goodness it was the last lesson of the day, because as soon as I entered my bedroom and locked the door behind me, I broke down crying.
I can’t help it if I’m shy.
I can’t help it if I work hard.
I can’t help it if I seem serious. I’m not. I’m really not.
I can’t help it if I physically can’t handle talking in front of groups of people.
It’s all a mask that I wear to protect myself, but it’s attached to me and I can’t take it off. I don’t know if I ever will.
Thank you for reading this til the end, it means a lot ❤️