“ALIVE” 31/01/17

Despite my plans for this new year of life,
I seem to be losing all interest:
The possible paths are causing me strife,
When really, all I want to do is rest;
I feel like the world expects so much of
me, whether it be teachers or my friends,
Because even if they give me their love,
If I follow them, my freedom might end;
This is because I don’t know what to do,
I don’t know where to go, what job to take,
I don’t know if someone will love me too,
Whatever I do, it’s my choice to make;
I’m sorry, but honestly? I don’t care;
I just want to keep living, to be fair.

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Comparisons & Expectations

Stop.

I have an older brother by 2 years who happens to be the school’s science and engineering prodigy. Of course, he takes the engineering class, and by chance, I ended up taking it as well. Not because of my brother, but because I genuinely wanted to.

Emphasis on the past tense of “wanted”.

At the beginning of the school year, my engineering teachers didn’t care: they saw me as another student and that was it. No special treatment, no comments, nothing. And while I was surprised, I was so fucking glad.

But then something changed. I don’t know what did: was it after the first parents’ evening? Was it because I got a good score on my first test? I don’t know, but in any case, the comparisons started. Slowly and barely at first, but today it was pretty clear.

The teacher was handing us back our tests from before the Christmas holidays. I had looked online to see my score (12,75/20) and honestly, I was really happy with it. I still am. I’m shit at electrical stuff, so the fact that I’d gotten over 10 was amazing.

On the tests, the teacher had put comments for the students. The majority of them were along the lines of “Keep up the good work.” “You can do better!” “Good  job.” Positive comments, basically. And most of these were for people who had scores lower than mine.

What did I get?

“Acceptable.”

Fuck off.

I’m not my fucking brother. I never will be. Stop hoping that I will be, because I won’t.

What’s more, I had gotten 10/20 on my previous electricity test, so I had improved by over 2 points which is a decent fucking amount.

When they asked me what I wanted to choose between engineering and biology, I chose the first choice because biology bored me. It wasn’t hard, in fact quite the opposite (I had about 18/20 average), but it was just so boring, so I took engineering. I had never done engineering before, so I didn’t even know if I was going to be good at it, but at least it would get me to concentrate.

I’m slowly starting to regret it.

If I hadn’t made so many awesome friends in this class, I would entirely regret it.

I just need to wait another year and a half, then I can leave this school and go to a university where no one knows of my brother’s existence and I can live my own fucking life with my own reputation.

Thanks for reading ♥

New Year

Holy shit. It’s been a while.

I feel like I’ve neglected this blog far too much. I originally made it not for others but for myself, in order to get things off my chest whenever I needed to; whether it be serious, sad, or just random shit I wanted to talk about.

In the end, I kind of forgot that. Instead, I cared more about writing what others would want to hear, I would censor myself (whether it be vulgar words or depressing thoughts), etc.

So this year, this blog is going to turn back into what it was supposed to be: just somewhere I can complain about shit.

I’m hoping that I won’t have to write on here very often, because if I do, it means a lot of shit is happening and that’s the opposite of what I want x)

You might be wondering, “What’s the point in writing something online, posting it for others to see but basically just addressing yourself?” and idk, to be honest. Maybe there’s someone feeling as shitty as me who wants someone to relate to.

So yeah. I’m back. Oh boy. xD

Thanks for reading ♥

Getting Everything Together

Hey guys! My last post was kinda short and boring, so here’s one that’s probably gonna be longer for ya :3

If you’ve been keeping track of my posts for a while now, you’ll know that I’m not always in a calm or happy state of mind. In fact, I’m rarely in a calm or fully happy state of mind xD The main reason for this is, of course, school and people and obligations and deadlines and all of that bullcrap.

I’m now a full month into my summer holidays, and I’m only just starting to calm down. For the past four weeks I’ve been waking up and worrying about things I need to get done, beating myself up because I keep procrastinating my goals or reading books our teacher gave us to read during these holidays (mean -_-), and my brain is only just starting to unwind and get everything in order.

I tend to look at things I need to get done as a whole, meaning I’ll see the long list of things I want to do or have to do and I’ll think “That’s too much. I can’t.”, which then leads to more procrastination, more beating myself up, feeling stressed and overwhelmed triggering more procrastination, and so on and so on.

One big thing I was worrying about throughout the past month was the fact that we were given three books to read during the summer holidays, and I HATE reading school books. Plus, they’re pretty long (the longest being nearly 300 pages T_T) and the first one I started reading is SO BADLY WRITTEN (not even kidding when I say that several paragraphs, each lasting an entire page, are just one sentence long with a disgusting amount of commas. I’m not an author or anything but I am writing a book right now and I was literally scared that after finishing the book I would start writing like that >_<). The teacher that gave these books to us often scold us for making our sentences so long, yet she’s perfectly fine with that crap -_- INJUSTICE.

I knew that trying to read too much of it at once would grill my neurons so I decided to cut it up into sections: once a day I would read 30 pages, and seen as the book is 150 pages long, it would only take me 5 days to finish it 😀 I’m already 2 days in and I feel a lot better now that I’m finally doing something xD

But that’s not the only thing I’ve finally started doing: for ages now I’ve wanted to get in shape, by which I mean get dat sick sixpack yo, and I’ve started working out a little every morning :3 I used to do this a while ago, but I kinda forgot one day and then never started again… xD

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: in August of last year I decided to animate something for one of my favourite YouTubers (Octopimp), and he said he was thrilled to hear about it 😀 buuuuut I had a really shit laptop at the time and it made me not wanna do it because everything kept crashing… but now I have a new computer and I’ve decided to do at least 1 scene a day ^^ it might not be much, but it’s something XD

In summary: I’ve finally started getting everything together, and as a whole, I feel a lot better than I did at the start of the holidays.

Note to self: do one task at a time rather than look at the full list all the damn time.

Thanks for reading! ♥

Summer Goals

I mentioned in my last post that I had so many things I wanted to do during my summer holidays, so I’d thought I’d list a few of them here to give myself some more motivation ☺️

(in no particular order)

  • Practice electric guitar
  • Prepare for engineering next year
  • Draw
  • Continue writing my book
  • Paint
  • Jog regularly
  • Work out regularly
  • Swim regularly
  • Study Japanese/Swedish
  • Make a couple more YouTube videos
  • Stargaze

A few of them are pretty vague, and that’s because they’re just general ideas of stuff I want to do while summer is here ^^

Thx for reading! ❤️

One More Week.

Once again, it’s been a while since my last post. And once again, that’s a good thing 😂

For the first time in a long time, I’ve been able to relax on a weekend. Usually I always have some exercise to do or some test to study for, but this time I only had some physics to do and that was it. Part of me is kinda scared because I’m thinking “Surely I’ve just forgotten something? Have I forgotten to write something down? A weekend can’t be this chill.”

The reason why I don’t have a test to study for or anything like that is simply because the summer holidays are in one week 😍

You have no idea how happy and just relieved I am to be able to say that.

I want to write. I want to run. I want to swim. I want to practice the electric guitar. I want to read a book my English teacher lent me. I want to stay up all night with my telescope. But I can’t, because I’m so tired all of the time.

But in one week, I’ll be able to do all of that in my own time and not have to worry about lessons or homework for two and a half months (even if our French teacher gave us three books to read during the holidays which is kinda bullshit).

I’ll be able to watch anime and read fanfiction for hours on end with no regrets…

…wait I do that anyway

There are so many things I want to do during the next two and a half months. I might make a separate post with my summer goals ^-^

Thx for reading! ❤️

PS: I went to my very first concert Friday night! It was of The GazettE, one of my favourite bands :3 my neck still hurts from headbanging… 😂 It was an early birthday present, which is this Wednesday ☺️

I can’t talk.

I think it’s been about a month since my last post on this blog. This is actually a good thing, it means I’ve had nothing to rant about xD 

But a few days ago I broke down in tears because of – you can probably guess – being in public. I wanted to write about it at the time, but I couldn’t bring myself to, so here it is now ^^

There were two incidents that day, the second not exactly being about speaking but still it hurt me deeply, particularly because of who caused it.

That morning I had a physics lesson, normal. The teacher wrote down formulas that we had to complete on the board, some easy and some pretty hard. She wrote down the same number of formulas as there were students so that EVERYONE had to go to the board. I realised this so I thought “Better go quickly and get an easy one before they’re all taken, that way I can just get it over with quickly”. So that’s what I did.

The formula was simple, I knew how to fill it out, and at first it was going well. But as I reached the second thing that I had to write, my brain froze. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t concentrate. I knew what the answer was but I wrote it the wrong way around because I couldn’t function anymore.

The teacher asked me to explain what I had written, so I explained what I should have written, which was correct. She then told me “But that’s not what you wrote.” I quickly realised my mistake. It was easy to fix: swap the two numbers I had mixed up. But again, I froze. I didn’t know how. Fortunately a nice guy in my class saw that I was in trouble and told me I just had to switch them, so I thanked him and did.

I quickly rushed back to my seat because I could feel the tears welling up. I hadn’t even needed to speak more than a few sentences, but just being exposed to barely 20 people sent me haywire. My body physically couldn’t handle it.

But that’s not what truly upset me. I was shaken and closed up, but not upset. That’s where the second incident comes in.

It was the very last lesson of the day with a teacher whom everyone loves, including me, because she’s kind and laid-back. She was telling us about how people naturally feel the urge to laugh when seeing someone fall over, even if you feel guilty afterwards.

In my class, I have a reputation as someone who is very quiet, serious and hardworking but still kind, which is a reputation I’m content with. But I feel like I’m severely misunderstood as a person, because in reality I’m not like that at all. In fact, with people I’m close with or on tumblr I’m the least serious person you could ever meet XD 

The teacher then asked me specifically “how about you, Anna, do you laugh when someone falls over?”

At first I thought it was just at random, or perhaps because I’m shy she wanted to hear me talk, even for a second. Because I wasn’t expecting her to ask me this, I simply replied “Sometimes.”

We then moved on to the next topic.

But it took me a second to realise the meaning of her question. She had previously said that people felt like laughing when seeing someone fall over, that it was normal. She had insinuated that everyone acted this way.

So if she already knew that everyone acted this way, why ask me?

Because I’m not “everyone”.

I’m serious.

I’m hardworking.

I’m quiet.

I don’t laugh.

I don’t talk.

I can’t talk.

She wanted to know if I’m actually capable of being a fucking human being. The fact that she was supposed to be the nice teacher made it worse.

Thank goodness it was the last lesson of the day, because as soon as I entered my bedroom and locked the door behind me, I broke down crying.

I can’t help it if I’m shy.

I can’t help it if I work hard.

I can’t help it if I seem serious. I’m not. I’m really not.

I can’t help it if I physically can’t handle talking in front of groups of people.

It’s all a mask that I wear to protect myself, but it’s attached to me and I can’t take it off. I don’t know if I ever will.

Thank you for reading this til the end, it means a lot ❤️

Welp

It’s been a full week (minus one morning) since I last went to school because of my fever, so tomorrow will be the first time in a week that I go. Needless to say that I’m pretty nervous.

You guys all know by now that I’m not the most talkative or social person around. For seven days my parents and my brother have been the only human beings I’ve seen, and I’ve only spoken to five other people via text (not even via call or anything, just via text), so being surrounded by this many people in one go in definitely going to be a bit of a shock to my brain.

I also missed a week’s worth of lessons including a pretty complicated chemistry one… and we have an exam on it on Thursday. I’m gonna need to work my butt off to understand what the hell the teacher was explaining while I wasn’t there.

I’m worried that people are gonna accuse me of faking it just to skip a week of work, too. I really shouldn’t be, but I am. If anything, I’m one of the most hardworking people in my class xD I can’t skip a single day without being stabbed by guilt and rushing in the next day full of apologies, so a full week killed me internally. (not that I particularly missed the social part of it)

Part of me is just kinda hoping that people will think I have the plague or something and not ask me too many questions, it might get awkward ^^’

Wish me luck for tomorrow ❤️

Has living in France affected me as a person?

For those who don’t know, my family and I visited France for long periods of time (a couple of weeks or months) up until I was about 5, at which point we moved definitively. I’ve only visited England twice since, and I’ve been living here for nearly eleven years.

Sometimes I ask myself “If I’d have stayed in England, would I be a different person? What would have changed?”

There a two main differences between my home in France and what was my home in England:

  • Town VS Countryside

I used to live in a town called Burntwood (I don’t mind saying the name because I don’t even live there anymore). Being in a town means that, of course, there are cars and people that go by your house every single day, and you can’t avoid real life social interaction.

Now, however, I live in the middle of nowhere where there are a total of about four houses in a kilometre radius, and I can easily go for an entire summer holiday (here they last about 2 months) without seeing anyone except my parents and my brother. This has enforced my introvertedness and awkwardness in the face of people xD 

I think that if I’d have stayed in a more populated area, I would have grown up with people so I would be used to being around others. I would have an actual social life (shocking, I know) and if a stranger were to come up to me and ask for directions, I’d be able to answer calmly and normally.

But seen as I grew up in the middle of the countryside, the only people I saw other than my family being at school, I now freeze up whenever someone I haven’t spoken to at least three times before talks to me. I even get nervous in front of some people in my class, and I’ve known them for nearly six months now.

But living in the countryside isn’t the only reason for which I’m extremely quiet and externally emotionless. This is an appropriate segway to the second difference between England and France, and this one is the primary one:

  • The language barrier

Now it’s probably obvious by now that I am fully bilingual and can understand French as easily as I can English, but not necessarily speak it.

Don’t get me wrong, grammatically and vocabulary-wise my level of French is pretty much on par with my level of English. I mean, it would have to be, otherwise I’d be pretty much screwed xD

When I say that I can’t speak French like I can English, what I mean is that I can’t express myself like I can in English. Either I can’t find the right words or it just sounds wrong. This has lead to occasional arguments with French friends who get offended when I don’t share secrets with them but I do with English friends. And of course, when I try to explain to them that it’s just easier for me to say things like that in English and it’s not at all because I don’t trust them, that comes out wrong as well.

I’ve noticed recently that I tend to stutter a lot and mispronounce things as well (such as saying “oo” instead of “u” and vice-versa), which makes me even more uncomfortable and awkward and has also added to my dislike towards talking out loud in front of people.

I feel like if I’d have stayed in England, I wouldn’t have these problems because everyone around me would speak the same language. This would, again, allow me to have an actual social life instead of shying away from things like that.

Conclusion

Yes, I think that living in France has affected me as a person. If I had stayed in England, I would be a lot bolder and have more confidence in myself. This makes it sound like moving to France was a bad thing xD

Moving to France, I think, wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Yes, it limited my public speaking ability by a huge amount, but I was also able to discover a new country and learn a new language fluently, which is a huge plus for later in life. A few sacrifices just had to be made along the way, including the one where I have only seen certain members of my family twice in eleven years because they’re unable of coming to me, so I have to go to them.

Thank you for reading this until the end ❤️