“ALIVE” 31/01/17

Despite my plans for this new year of life,
I seem to be losing all interest:
The possible paths are causing me strife,
When really, all I want to do is rest;
I feel like the world expects so much of
me, whether it be teachers or my friends,
Because even if they give me their love,
If I follow them, my freedom might end;
This is because I don’t know what to do,
I don’t know where to go, what job to take,
I don’t know if someone will love me too,
Whatever I do, it’s my choice to make;
I’m sorry, but honestly? I don’t care;
I just want to keep living, to be fair.


Comparisons & Expectations


I have an older brother by 2 years who happens to be the school’s science and engineering prodigy. Of course, he takes the engineering class, and by chance, I ended up taking it as well. Not because of my brother, but because I genuinely wanted to.

Emphasis on the past tense of “wanted”.

At the beginning of the school year, my engineering teachers didn’t care: they saw me as another student and that was it. No special treatment, no comments, nothing. And while I was surprised, I was so fucking glad.

But then something changed. I don’t know what did: was it after the first parents’ evening? Was it because I got a good score on my first test? I don’t know, but in any case, the comparisons started. Slowly and barely at first, but today it was pretty clear.

The teacher was handing us back our tests from before the Christmas holidays. I had looked online to see my score (12,75/20) and honestly, I was really happy with it. I still am. I’m shit at electrical stuff, so the fact that I’d gotten over 10 was amazing.

On the tests, the teacher had put comments for the students. The majority of them were along the lines of “Keep up the good work.” “You can do better!” “Good  job.” Positive comments, basically. And most of these were for people who had scores lower than mine.

What did I get?


Fuck off.

I’m not my fucking brother. I never will be. Stop hoping that I will be, because I won’t.

What’s more, I had gotten 10/20 on my previous electricity test, so I had improved by over 2 points which is a decent fucking amount.

When they asked me what I wanted to choose between engineering and biology, I chose the first choice because biology bored me. It wasn’t hard, in fact quite the opposite (I had about 18/20 average), but it was just so boring, so I took engineering. I had never done engineering before, so I didn’t even know if I was going to be good at it, but at least it would get me to concentrate.

I’m slowly starting to regret it.

If I hadn’t made so many awesome friends in this class, I would entirely regret it.

I just need to wait another year and a half, then I can leave this school and go to a university where no one knows of my brother’s existence and I can live my own fucking life with my own reputation.

Thanks for reading ♥

New Year

Holy shit. It’s been a while.

I feel like I’ve neglected this blog far too much. I originally made it not for others but for myself, in order to get things off my chest whenever I needed to; whether it be serious, sad, or just random shit I wanted to talk about.

In the end, I kind of forgot that. Instead, I cared more about writing what others would want to hear, I would censor myself (whether it be vulgar words or depressing thoughts), etc.

So this year, this blog is going to turn back into what it was supposed to be: just somewhere I can complain about shit.

I’m hoping that I won’t have to write on here very often, because if I do, it means a lot of shit is happening and that’s the opposite of what I want x)

You might be wondering, “What’s the point in writing something online, posting it for others to see but basically just addressing yourself?” and idk, to be honest. Maybe there’s someone feeling as shitty as me who wants someone to relate to.

So yeah. I’m back. Oh boy. xD

Thanks for reading ♥

I can’t talk.

I think it’s been about a month since my last post on this blog. This is actually a good thing, it means I’ve had nothing to rant about xD 

But a few days ago I broke down in tears because of – you can probably guess – being in public. I wanted to write about it at the time, but I couldn’t bring myself to, so here it is now ^^

There were two incidents that day, the second not exactly being about speaking but still it hurt me deeply, particularly because of who caused it.

That morning I had a physics lesson, normal. The teacher wrote down formulas that we had to complete on the board, some easy and some pretty hard. She wrote down the same number of formulas as there were students so that EVERYONE had to go to the board. I realised this so I thought “Better go quickly and get an easy one before they’re all taken, that way I can just get it over with quickly”. So that’s what I did.

The formula was simple, I knew how to fill it out, and at first it was going well. But as I reached the second thing that I had to write, my brain froze. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t concentrate. I knew what the answer was but I wrote it the wrong way around because I couldn’t function anymore.

The teacher asked me to explain what I had written, so I explained what I should have written, which was correct. She then told me “But that’s not what you wrote.” I quickly realised my mistake. It was easy to fix: swap the two numbers I had mixed up. But again, I froze. I didn’t know how. Fortunately a nice guy in my class saw that I was in trouble and told me I just had to switch them, so I thanked him and did.

I quickly rushed back to my seat because I could feel the tears welling up. I hadn’t even needed to speak more than a few sentences, but just being exposed to barely 20 people sent me haywire. My body physically couldn’t handle it.

But that’s not what truly upset me. I was shaken and closed up, but not upset. That’s where the second incident comes in.

It was the very last lesson of the day with a teacher whom everyone loves, including me, because she’s kind and laid-back. She was telling us about how people naturally feel the urge to laugh when seeing someone fall over, even if you feel guilty afterwards.

In my class, I have a reputation as someone who is very quiet, serious and hardworking but still kind, which is a reputation I’m content with. But I feel like I’m severely misunderstood as a person, because in reality I’m not like that at all. In fact, with people I’m close with or on tumblr I’m the least serious person you could ever meet XD 

The teacher then asked me specifically “how about you, Anna, do you laugh when someone falls over?”

At first I thought it was just at random, or perhaps because I’m shy she wanted to hear me talk, even for a second. Because I wasn’t expecting her to ask me this, I simply replied “Sometimes.”

We then moved on to the next topic.

But it took me a second to realise the meaning of her question. She had previously said that people felt like laughing when seeing someone fall over, that it was normal. She had insinuated that everyone acted this way.

So if she already knew that everyone acted this way, why ask me?

Because I’m not “everyone”.

I’m serious.

I’m hardworking.

I’m quiet.

I don’t laugh.

I don’t talk.

I can’t talk.

She wanted to know if I’m actually capable of being a fucking human being. The fact that she was supposed to be the nice teacher made it worse.

Thank goodness it was the last lesson of the day, because as soon as I entered my bedroom and locked the door behind me, I broke down crying.

I can’t help it if I’m shy.

I can’t help it if I work hard.

I can’t help it if I seem serious. I’m not. I’m really not.

I can’t help it if I physically can’t handle talking in front of groups of people.

It’s all a mask that I wear to protect myself, but it’s attached to me and I can’t take it off. I don’t know if I ever will.

Thank you for reading this til the end, it means a lot ❤️

Has living in France affected me as a person?

For those who don’t know, my family and I visited France for long periods of time (a couple of weeks or months) up until I was about 5, at which point we moved definitively. I’ve only visited England twice since, and I’ve been living here for nearly eleven years.

Sometimes I ask myself “If I’d have stayed in England, would I be a different person? What would have changed?”

There a two main differences between my home in France and what was my home in England:

  • Town VS Countryside

I used to live in a town called Burntwood (I don’t mind saying the name because I don’t even live there anymore). Being in a town means that, of course, there are cars and people that go by your house every single day, and you can’t avoid real life social interaction.

Now, however, I live in the middle of nowhere where there are a total of about four houses in a kilometre radius, and I can easily go for an entire summer holiday (here they last about 2 months) without seeing anyone except my parents and my brother. This has enforced my introvertedness and awkwardness in the face of people xD 

I think that if I’d have stayed in a more populated area, I would have grown up with people so I would be used to being around others. I would have an actual social life (shocking, I know) and if a stranger were to come up to me and ask for directions, I’d be able to answer calmly and normally.

But seen as I grew up in the middle of the countryside, the only people I saw other than my family being at school, I now freeze up whenever someone I haven’t spoken to at least three times before talks to me. I even get nervous in front of some people in my class, and I’ve known them for nearly six months now.

But living in the countryside isn’t the only reason for which I’m extremely quiet and externally emotionless. This is an appropriate segway to the second difference between England and France, and this one is the primary one:

  • The language barrier

Now it’s probably obvious by now that I am fully bilingual and can understand French as easily as I can English, but not necessarily speak it.

Don’t get me wrong, grammatically and vocabulary-wise my level of French is pretty much on par with my level of English. I mean, it would have to be, otherwise I’d be pretty much screwed xD

When I say that I can’t speak French like I can English, what I mean is that I can’t express myself like I can in English. Either I can’t find the right words or it just sounds wrong. This has lead to occasional arguments with French friends who get offended when I don’t share secrets with them but I do with English friends. And of course, when I try to explain to them that it’s just easier for me to say things like that in English and it’s not at all because I don’t trust them, that comes out wrong as well.

I’ve noticed recently that I tend to stutter a lot and mispronounce things as well (such as saying “oo” instead of “u” and vice-versa), which makes me even more uncomfortable and awkward and has also added to my dislike towards talking out loud in front of people.

I feel like if I’d have stayed in England, I wouldn’t have these problems because everyone around me would speak the same language. This would, again, allow me to have an actual social life instead of shying away from things like that.


Yes, I think that living in France has affected me as a person. If I had stayed in England, I would be a lot bolder and have more confidence in myself. This makes it sound like moving to France was a bad thing xD

Moving to France, I think, wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Yes, it limited my public speaking ability by a huge amount, but I was also able to discover a new country and learn a new language fluently, which is a huge plus for later in life. A few sacrifices just had to be made along the way, including the one where I have only seen certain members of my family twice in eleven years because they’re unable of coming to me, so I have to go to them.

Thank you for reading this until the end ❤️

I’m happy.

I worry a lot about things that don’t need to be worried about. I’ll be studying for a test and I’ll be almost in tears over the fact that I can’t get everything in my head and my dad will walk in and say “This is what happens every time, you worry about this stuff and in the end it all turns out alright.”

And every time, he’s completely right.

If you read my previous post you’ll know that I was EXTREMELY nervous about going back to school after two weeks off. It was going to be my first face-to-face social interaction in fourteen days, swimming had been replaced by something else and I didn’t know what sport was going to replace it at the time (I love swimming, by the way) and I had a big biology test on two chapters of the lesson.

So you can understand why I was stressed.

But yeah, it turns out that everything WAS alright. No awkward social interaction was engaged, swimming had been replaced with badminton (and I was teamed with a rather cute funny guy, so that was nice) and I managed to answer every question on the test. The quality of said answers, however, is another matter XD

That was Monday. And at the end of the day I thought “Ok, that was a stroke of luck. Tomorrow is when the shit’s gonna start.”

Right now it’s Tuesday evening, and in all honesty, today was rather relaxing too. I only had four hours of lessons (unfortunately they were spread out across the day so I could only leave an hour early -_- better than none, I guess) and for three full hours I had absolutely nothing, so me and my fellow nerds (that makes it sound like I’m part of a friend group. Nah, there’s only 3 of us. Well, I suppose that’s a group, by definition) went and sat on the nearby football stadium chairs, talked about gay OTPs and listened to music. Pretty sure we weren’t allowed to go up on the stadium chairs, but it was raining and the chairs were sheltered soooo…. XD 

But I think the highlight of today was getting back in touch with an old friend that I missed a lot, and I thought our friendship had ended a while ago. And I’m only two days into the week, but I already know that nothing will be able to top that. No contest.

This is no actual point to this post, by the way XD I just felt like sharing the fact that for the first time in a while, I can completely say without a shadow of a doubt that I’m happy. I mean, I’ve been happy before, I’m generally a happy person, but often there would be a lingering bad feeling at the back of my mind. For once, I don’t feel anything bad creeping up on me. Well, either I don’t or I do but it’s smaller than usual XD 

So yeah. I’m happy.

Thank you for putting up with my rambling until the end ^^ ❤️

Last day of freedom

I go back to school tomorrow, and I am not looking forward to it at all. Then again, who would? You’ve been able to sit and relax and watch countless anime series at home for two weeks, who would be happy about having all that stopped?

That reminds me, I need to continue watching Kokoro Connect.

The lessons themselves don’t bother me that much. Although, sport could be better; we’re supposed to be doing swimming but the pool is closed tomorrow for cleaning which means we’ll probably be doing gym instead. If I had swimming tomorrow I’d actually be, dare I say it, looking forward to school (I’m a swimming nerd), but gym and any other land-based physical activity are horrible. To me, anyway. So the fact that swimming is being replaced by one of those activities makes me so happy wow 

The fact that I have two hours of French with genderbent Satan is pretty shit too. Fortunately she’s just the substitute for our actual prof who should be coming back in about two weeks *hallelujah*

Apart from those two things, the lessons I have tomorrow aren’t what’s bothering me. It’s the people. Whether it be the other students or the profs, I just don’t like being around people. I literally only have like 6 or 7 irl friends, only two of which I hang out with, none of which I hang out with at all times because we have different classes.

I’m like the child of Haruka Nanase and Tomoko Kuroki. That’s not a good thing xD

Idk if anyone is ever going to read this and I honestly don’t mind, I just need somewhere I can talk without fear of stuttering or mispronouncing something or forgetting a word (all of which happen often. This shows just how little I talk irl xD)

Thank you for putting up with my rant until the end ^-^ ❤️